I always thought my anxiety was a little different than most people. I guess that’s pretty natural. Most people probably feel that they are alone in how they feel. Maybe it’s because in a lot of cases anxiety is born from an experience or trauma in someone’s life, which inherently makes it extremely personal. It’s not like that for me.
After dealing with panic and anxiety for the better part of my life, talking to multiple doctors and therapists, I never really pinpointed a cause for it. It started in what was a seemingly random way and continued that way until present day. This for many years was the point of real contention for me. As backward as it seemed, there were times when I wished there was a moment I could blame all of these terrible feelings for – just wasn’t in the cards for me.
One thing that has always made me anxious, which is usually a time of relaxation for most people, is getting a haircut. I have had countless panic attacks in front of a barber or stylist. Sometimes they notice, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I get through it quickly, sometimes I don’t. There are also times, when I can get my hair cut and have very little anxiety about it at all – wild, right?
Today, I went for a cut. It was the Supercuts I go to usually and it was even with the girl that I really like going to. I can usually tell how it’ll go well before I walk into the building. I had a feeling today would be uncomfortable. I know it’s easy to say, don’t not anticipate it. I’m not going to die. Nothing will hurt me. It’s not about that though. I guess it just boils down to fear of making things awkward… which I should be used to by now.
I sat down and a few sentences into our conversation I started to heat up. I tried to breathe through it but that wasn’t working today. I was looking at myself in the mirror and as I started to see sweat visibly on my forehead the phone rang! Can you believe my luck?? I didn’t even have to ask for a towel! As she walked away to answer it, I had a couple of minutes to wipe the sweat away and cool down. As she came back, the first thing she did was spray my hair, which continued to cool things down and I ended up being OK.
Anxiety is an unbelievable thing. I have wondered so many times why people have it. Why is it becoming more prevalent? Why do I get scared when I am in no way threatened? After asking myself these questions, the only thing I have been able to accept is that it doesn’t really matter. It happens. It’s the hand I’ve been dealt. I have been able to overcome it, and over the years achieve some great things. I don’t know if it will always be like this. It has gotten better, but I can for now look forward to my Supercuts panic attacks. Keep doing what you’re doing. Forge ahead, and in the words of my father, “Get a haircut!”
-Rocki
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